Long Time No See

Forgot about this. Will write when I get time, I need to sleep cuz I work in the AM.

Breaking

I'm not sure what, where, when, or why, but something is going to happen soon. I can just feel it. Not exactly a bad thing in the long run, but it is something I'm not looking forward too.

Taillights and Asphalt

Have you ever driven to a location without exactly remembering how you got there? I'm not crazy, although some of you may disagree, but this happens to me all the time. Last night I went from my house to school without remembering 15 minutes of the drive. Now considering this was a 20 minute commute, you might be wondering how I even stayed on the road. Some where between the glow of the taillights and the hum of my wheels on the road I lost control. My brain put my body on auto pilot and my mind began to wander. Next thing I know, I'm arriving at school without much recollection of anything I had passed.

Now being oblivious to my surroundings, it's only natural that my mind was on something. A song came on the radio that I can't recall now, but it got me thinking about forgiveness. I realized how much resentment I had built up for certain people around me. My pride doesn't allow me to let go of things so easily. I keep everything inside of me because I have no where else to put it or a safe place to let it out. So it builds and builds till I let off some steam and then the process starts over again. I thought there was something more to this. It wasn't the pride that kept me from forgiving people, but the vulnerability that you are left with once you actually allow yourself to forgive. When you have that resentment inside of you, the person whom it is directed towards can't hurt you. It is a mental wall, but it is blasted away when you allow the forgiveness to settle in. You become vulnerable to that person again and that is why I have held on to my resentment for so long. You give that person the opportunity to hurt you again because with the forgiveness comes trust. Trust is so hard to build up and yet it can be so easily lost. It is easier not to trust so you won't get hurt again. But how many times will the people around you let you down? The ones you love will at some point let you down. I can't keep putting up walls. I tried and what I'm left with is just myself. I have lost out on many things because I have been to afraid of the hurt that can reoccur. The most interesting thing I realized was that I don't forgive myself for the things that I have done or keep doing. I hold them over my head and I walk around with this baggage. I resent myself, if that is even possible, for the things I have done. I need to forgive myself and let this baggage go so that the weight is lifted off my shoulders. But to be honest I'm not entirely sure how to do that. (If you have suggestions I would be happy to hear them.) I say I need to forgive, but I want to make it clear that you shouldn't forget. Now don't take that the wrong way. What I am saying is that you should remember the past in order to try to avoid those circumstances in the future because it hurt someone else. Not so you can use it as ammunition against that individual later. To forgive myself means that I put that stuff behind me, but not forgetting what I did so I can change. Being realistic, I'm going to screw up over and over. I'm going to let others down and myself as well, but we can always forgive. It may seem like the hardest thing in the world, but it is possible. If our Father can sacrifice His only Son for the forgiveness of everyone who did, is, and will live, how can we compare it to the handful of people who upset us? We can't, and yet we still struggle. Silly us, and silly me.

A one liner...

The truth may knock you down to the ground, but a lie will tear you apart from the inside out.

Break

I can't wait for it. However, I have a feeling sitting at home with my parents won't be the best of times. You just want to relax and let your head chill for a bit and they see it as being lazy. So yeah it would have been better to go to Florida, but how could you beat 22 degrees and cloudy with winds 15 mph out of the north for a week. I wish everyone a great spring break, and if you are to old to have on then well that just sucks for you and I will soon be joining you on that miserable path called a full time job. :)

Rebuilding

I burnt a bridge. I tore off the supports and let it crash into the water. I needed the bridge, but the bridge was bad. It was old, it was falling apart, ready to crumble had the waters risen any higher. Would have it been better to let it fall on its own or did I do the right thing? I can't tell you that now. What I do know now is that I have to rebuild it. Make a strong foundation, with stronger supports. I hope...

The Breaking Point

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are never promised it would be quick or simple. You can't give up, so you plow ahead into the muddy waters. With no compass, no guiding light you trudge into the abyss. Each step is a struggle as the muck tries to pull you down and your skin is pierced from the branches above. Your limbs ache with every move and your chest burns with every breath. The progress you make in comparison to the effort you have made makes you wish you had never ventured into the water, but it's to late. So you have a choice to give up and sink into the depths without a struggle or press on, in what seems like vain, hoping for firm ground.

I'm Old... ish

22 events I'll never forget

1. Sitting in my mom's laundry basket with all my toys in my own little world
2. My first puppy falling asleep in my night shirt that was like a dress on me
3. Playing my first soccer game for the Chiquita Bananas
4. Dropping a cement block on my foot while trying to let the dog out
5. Learning how to ride my bike without any help
6. Going to my grandma's house where she feed me popcorn and bread sticks
7. Fishing at my grandma's house and also catching squirrels under milk crates
8. Playing baseball so I could go to the Dairy Boy after for my medium twist
9. Playing football in the parking lot of my elementary school
10. Getting subs every Sunday after church with the Weatherups
11. Taking the car out of gear and rolling it down the drive way (long story)
12. Playing hockey, football, and baseball with Trevor, Ryan, and Justin
13. Shooting my first buck with a bow
14. Locking my sister and her two friends out of the house
15. Skiing at the Knob
16. Catching my first trout on a fly rod
17. First night hanging out with Kelly, Kelly, Danny, and Eric
18. Crashing the Suburban and pretty much getting away with it
19. Random pididle road trips with Ashely, Alex, Sarah, Kyle, and Cassie
20. Celebration when I got slapped in the face.... again and again and again
21. Winning Nationals and losing the next year
22. Trip to England with the boys across the pond

Eye Opener

Please bear with me with these postings. I hope to get the hang of it eventually.

It has come to my attention that I am not nearly as smart as I once believed. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but after review of the last year I can come to no other conclusion. The fact is that I took pride in being able to read people by making assumptions based on their actions and other various factors. Upon these assumptions I formed beliefs about people that are not even close to being accurate. Sure I could pick out the small unimportant details that most people would label as random, but the assumptions I made on larger issues were way off the mark. Now me being the stubborn guy that I am tries to fix all the problems I have with what I believe is right. Most of my problems dealt with relationships regarding my faith, family, and friends. In allll of my wisdom, I began to set things right in my eyes. I was bold because I thought I knew the truth. I thought I understood the people around me completely and that they understood me. Now looking back on what I have done I can only see how wrong I was. I never fully expressed myself to them, but more importantly I didn't take the time to really understand them. I was blinded by pride and arrogance. I became confused when my "fool proof" plan didn't work out. I laugh at myself now because of how much I had overlooked. How in any "relationship" can one make choices for both parities involved? Relationship is defined as a state involving mutual dealings between people. I went with what I knew because I was right, instead of coming to an understanding based on what we felt was best. The best intentions can be easily side track, but I think that's why we have relationships to keep those intentions in check. I bulldozed my way through the people I cared about destroying what we had. Now I have tried to back off, taking the foot off the gas. It is about the we, us, and our instead of the I, me, and mine. Sounds so simple, but I get distracted so easily.

Drinking Some Tea

This is an experiment. I hate computers and most things technological.