Have you ever driven to a location without exactly remembering how you got there? I'm not crazy, although some of you may disagree, but this happens to me all the time. Last night I went from my house to school without remembering 15 minutes of the drive. Now considering this was a 20 minute commute, you might be wondering how I even stayed on the road. Some where between the glow of the taillights and the hum of my wheels on the road I lost control. My brain put my body on auto pilot and my mind began to wander. Next thing I know, I'm arriving at school without much recollection of anything I had passed.
Now being oblivious to my surroundings, it's only natural that my mind was on something. A song came on the radio that I can't recall now, but it got me thinking about forgiveness. I realized how much resentment I had built up for certain people around me. My pride doesn't allow me to let go of things so easily. I keep everything inside of me because I have no where else to put it or a safe place to let it out. So it builds and builds till I let off some steam and then the process starts over again. I thought there was something more to this. It wasn't the pride that kept me from forgiving people, but the vulnerability that you are left with once you actually allow yourself to forgive. When you have that resentment inside of you, the person whom it is directed towards can't hurt you. It is a mental wall, but it is blasted away when you allow the forgiveness to settle in. You become vulnerable to that person again and that is why I have held on to my resentment for so long. You give that person the opportunity to hurt you again because with the forgiveness comes trust. Trust is so hard to build up and yet it can be so easily lost. It is easier not to trust so you won't get hurt again. But how many times will the people around you let you down? The ones you love will at some point let you down. I can't keep putting up walls. I tried and what I'm left with is just myself. I have lost out on many things because I have been to afraid of the hurt that can reoccur. The most interesting thing I realized was that I don't forgive myself for the things that I have done or keep doing. I hold them over my head and I walk around with this baggage. I resent myself, if that is even possible, for the things I have done. I need to forgive myself and let this baggage go so that the weight is lifted off my shoulders. But to be honest I'm not entirely sure how to do that. (If you have suggestions I would be happy to hear them.) I say I need to forgive, but I want to make it clear that you shouldn't forget. Now don't take that the wrong way. What I am saying is that you should remember the past in order to try to avoid those circumstances in the future because it hurt someone else. Not so you can use it as ammunition against that individual later. To forgive myself means that I put that stuff behind me, but not forgetting what I did so I can change. Being realistic, I'm going to screw up over and over. I'm going to let others down and myself as well, but we can always forgive. It may seem like the hardest thing in the world, but it is possible. If our Father can sacrifice His only Son for the forgiveness of everyone who did, is, and will live, how can we compare it to the handful of people who upset us? We can't, and yet we still struggle. Silly us, and silly me.
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1 comment:
Swanny,
I really want to get together and chat about this sometime. There is far too much here to respond to simply, but, as you've already said, this is vital for all of us.
I think you are right when you talk about resenting yourself. That is a very real possibility that we all face in life. We need people to help us forgive ourselves, so that we can be liberated from that resentment in the same way as we need to forgive others. Obviously though, that opens you up to another kind of vulnerability: the possibility of failing and hurting yourself again. But that is all a part of growth.
On "forgetting," I think you are right. Forgiveness does not necessarily require forgetting, and forgetting might even be a disservice to both people involved. The key is to not allow the things that have been forgiven to be used as ongoing ammunition against the other.
Ok, I'm getting caught up in writing when I've already confessed that this is too big and important a post simply to write about. Let's get together soon for coffee and chat about this, about life, and about the future....
BTW, I really appreciate your thoughtful reflection and honesty here.
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